These last few days I have been extraordinarily content.  I have been going over the Tao te Ching and the Chuang Tzu, meditating, but still conducting my life mostly as usual.  It’s an odd thing to say, but I think that for all intents and purposes, I’m kind of exactly where I want to be with Taoism.  There’s always more to read and experience, and I still know that, but I no longer feel any pressure.  It’s like I have reached some kind of Goldilocks zone.  Everything is just right.

At the end of January I was fairly satisfied with where I was, but I was still hungry for more.  I was disappointed that most of my books hadn’t arrived in time, and there was still a lot to explore and experience.  I could have kept doing another two months of Satanism, there were so many desires, sins, and ideas to unpack and talk about.  But right now, I feel like I could stop Taoism tomorrow and be totally satisfied.

I don’t know if this is because of some kind of essential wisdom I have found in the Tao, because I fear I might also be using Taoism as an excuse to have a month off.  Compared to almost every other religion that I will be experiencing this year, Taoism is very light on the dogmatism- there aren’t a lot of rules that you have to follow.  It feels a lot more like the constant posing of questions and riddles, a bunch of invitations to think about things so that you have the freedom to find your own Way.  I can really appreciate this, but I’m concerned that I may have accepted this invitation and then put it on the back burner, not really giving it much thought.  Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.  I’m quite happy with where I am, that doesn’t mean everything has to be perfect.

I suspect my suspicion stems from the fact that I have yet to really master my desires, and this is something that is definitely required befre on can genuinely find the Way.

Therefore, those constantly without desires, by this means will perceive its subtlety.  Those constantly with desires, by this means will see only that which they yearn for and seek.

Te-tao Ching, Chapter One, translated by Robert Henricks

Much thanks to Satanism I am completely aware of what my desires are, how I meet them and how they affect me.  But I don’t think I have really taken the time to step away from them so as to see how they drive me and how I see the world and react to it.  I am definitely comfortable with them, and with myself, but I cannot let this turn into complacency.  There is still a lot left to do, but right now it is so easy not to worry about it.