Year of Faith

If Taoism is like water, then Satanism would be a fucking diamond.

The Tao itself is fluid, undefinable, able to fill in the nooks and crannies of every place, person, and thing.  It is the foundation and component of every proper being, flowing around obstacles, acting without acting, doing without doing.

Satanism on the other hand, was solid, definite, and obstinate.  Any barrier is shattered by it, every lie made humble.  It makes no excuses for itself.

It was a lot easier than this.  Taoism does not reveal itself bluntly, it does not state that it is ’so and so.’  What can be named is not the Tao, the Way is purposefully obscure- not impenetrable, but not definite either.

My inner Satanist is having a hard time with this.  This is a really big gear shift.

Cranky today.  These transitions are not going to be easy.

That was one hell of a month.

I had planned on reading a lot more Satanic literature, but unfortunately the big pile of books I ordered from ebay have still not arrived, and so most of my understanding of Anton LaVey and the Church of Satan come from The Satanic Bible, The Satanic Rituals, and The Devil’s Notebook, all by Anton LaVey.  Further compounding this issue is that I was busy almost every night, pursuing various desires and sins, and so I didn’t have a lot of time to read or write.  But that is kind of the point, right?  Experience over study.

I was quite satisfied by my experience with Satanism.  I would have liked perform more rituals, read some more varied literature, and gotten some face time with some honest-to-goodness Satanists, but frankly I don’t think I missed anything by doing this month solo.  I will probably revisit this religion at the end of the year, and may write about it a bit more throughout the project as ideas strike me, but for now I will leave my final thoughts as I dive into Taoism.

Satanism is Adolescent

This is what has been going through my head these past few days when I’ve been thinking about how best to describe Satanism.  This isn’t meant as a critique or a putdown, I’m not trying to say that it is stupid and ineffectual or hopelessly idealistic, but that this word captures everything that sticks out for me as being particularly Satanic.

Understand that I’m actually very defensive of adolescence in general, I don’t tend to use the term lightly and I’m usually miffed when other people do.  Just because someone is young doesn’t give their point of view any less merit.  Perhaps this is all left over baggage from my own tumultuous years.

Didn’t Woody Allen say that all literature was a footnote to Faust?  Perhaps all adolescence is a dialogue between Faust and Christ.  We tremble on the brink of selling that part of ourselves that is real, unique, angry, defiant and whole for the rewards of attainment, achievement, success and the golden prizes of integration and acceptance; but we also in our great creating imagination, rehearse the sacrifice we will make: the pain and terror we will take from others’ shoulders; our penetration into the lives and souls of our fellows; our submission and willingness to be rejected and despised for the sake of the truth and love and, in the wilderness, our angry rebuttals of the hypocrisy, deception and compromise of a world which we see to be so false.
There is nothing so self-righteous nor so right as an adolescent imagination.

-Stephen Fry, Moab is my Washpot

In any case, the point that I am trying to make is that Satanism is adolescent in many ways.  As religions go it is very young, it is rebellious through and through, it is self-serving, and it doesn’t mean anything more than that.

The Church of Satan was formally founded in 1966 by Anton LaVey for a variety of reasons, among them being a response to the wide-sweeping and hypocritical Christian Church constantly condemning what LaVey saw as natural human emotions and behaviors.  The Church of Satan is, at its heart, a rebellion and condemnation of the old Abrahamic faiths, and of most other religions in general.  It is very simple to imagine LaVey as Satan, standing in Hell, or upon the Earth, and calling out God and His followers for the incredible mess they have made.  I think this imagery is simple and effective because it is an accurate representation of what is happening in the Satanic Bible.

But when I was growing up, this is what was happening all the time.  Most of my friends in high school who gave the idea of God and religion a few seconds of thought arrived at the same points espoused in Satanism.  God is bunk, if not bunk then He is cruel, if He is not cruel then He is powerless or as stupid as the people who follow Him.  In the end it is better to do as Milton’s Satan in Paradise Lost did and stand on your own two feet in Hell rather than bow down before such a convoluted and wasteful deity.

Is he willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then is he impotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then is he malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Whence then is evil?

-Epicurus (maybe)

This is a very, very old observation about God, and Satanism offers nothing new.  It brings up theodicy, praises it, and then thinks it right to do away with God and those who go along with faith in their hearts but are blind to the world.  All well and good, but nothing I could not, and have not already, done myself.

However it does provide a sense of community and direction for those who wonder what to do now that their Sundays are all freed up.  If you can’t be satisfied with humanism then Satanism offers ritual and fantasy through magic and social manipulation.  Since there are all these suckers out there ready to get pulled by their faith and their wallets, Satanism will teach you how to take advantage of them so that you can get what you want and prosper.  It teaches you to look out for yourself, to fight the Christian slave morality that insists others or the hereafter come before yourself.  “Fuck that,” the Satanists say.  “There are no second chances.”

Again, I think this is completely correct.  We cannot know if there exists anything other than this life, and anyone who says so is probably lying.  And after spending a month living like there is no tomorrow, I must say that I can really recommend it.  Satanism isn’t advocating that you abandon all responsibility, but that you shouldn’t feel guilty about doing things just because they feel good.  Finding these things is an important part of being human, and denying them can be dangerous.

While I cannot find any fault with this approach, it does still feel very young.  It’s impulsive and self-serving, and only works because the world is full of people who don’t hold these views.  It’s all well and good to pursue one’s tastes and desires to the fullest, but it’s not a feasable principle for society at large.

This is where Satanism deviates substantially from most major religions, which have their origin with folks who were seeking to create a more stable and peaceful society, who often came to prominance in times of political or social strife and disharmony.  This is not the case with Satanism.  There may have been social problems and conflicts at large at the time of its inception, but it was not created to help deal with them, it was created as an excuse for like-minded peole to get together and have a good time.

So those are some of the major things I took away from Satanism.  There is more, a lot more, and I’ll try my best to cover some more thoughts as they come.  I just wanted to get something on the blog.

After what was overall an intense and wonderful final day of Satanism, this first day of Taoism feels less like a religion and more like rehabilitation.

Work was slow, so as I was nursing what was either sleep derivation or the remaining high from the night before, I read all of The Tao of Pooh. Now, it has been a while since I have studied Taoism, but from what I remember, this book succinctly explains that whole tradition.  It sounds a little reactionary and heavy-handed at times, but overall it is a fantastic introduction to Taoism and its place in Eastern thought.

I meant to cap off my month of Satanism by doing some more rituals, most notably a destruction ritual which I have yet to perform.  But at the end of the night, I couldn’t feel vindictive, I couldn’t feel anything other than amazement and gratitude.  I don’t know if I have exhausted my curiosity about this particular path, but this was an incredibly illuminating and rewarding experience, the fruits of which I will enjoy throughout my life.

More to come.

It seems to me that The Book of Eli, with its underlying religious themes, makes a good example of various Satanic perspectives.  It shows the strengths of an egotistical and survivalist philosophy, and highlights various criticisms of the Christian religion that are exhibited in Satanism.  While the movie obviously isn’t written with the Church of Satan in mind, and could be interpreted as an example of other religious philosophies, I think that it still shows the strengths of Satanism, as well as the pitfalls that it finds in other faiths.

Warning, hither be spoilers.

(more…)

Satanism has shown me the value of fitness.  Before I used to think of exercise as just a tiring bit of nonsense.  I like how I look, and yes I could stand to lose some weight.  But why?  To meet some other person’s standards?  Please.

I’ve been using this month as an excuse to binge, to investigate all of my indulgences, to follow what I’ve desired but never sought.  But this isn’t all what Satanism is about, it’s about being capable, hence being fit.  Satanism is about power.

I didn’t care about exercise because I saw it as something vain.  Now I care about it because it makes me feel like a more practical, powerful human being.  It makes me feel a little closer to godhood.  I can feel myself standing a little taller.  I am starting to feel unabashedly sovereign, like I am the master of my fate, like Lucifer- the morning star, the rising star.

I hope I still feel like this next month.

I never realized that life could be this full.

I’m seeing people that I never usually socialize with, almost every evening is full of new experiences, and I am genuinely enjoying myself.

That sounds weird, right?  It implies that I don’t usually enjoy myself from day to day, and for the last little while I guess that has been true.  But now I feel free, free from my own insecurities, free from second-guessing myself.  I feel empowered- like I could pursue any of my desires.  I was concerned that this month would make me self-centered, that I would feel egotistical and self-important.  At this moment I really couldn’t tell if I’m feeling any of those things.

I feel alive.  I’m exercising more, and kicking myself for not looking into some martial arts courses for this month.  If I had another month to do this I would set up a training regime and look into some books on the official Church of Satan store. Still so much to do.  It’s going to be hard to break these habits next month.

Planning some large purchases for myself at the end of the month, things that I don’t really need but would make me feel good, things I wouldn’t usually get for myself.  Money is tight now, so the actual purchases will be creeping into my month of Taoism, but I figure a bit of bleeding over is fine if my onus for it comes from the appropriate month.

That’s what I’ll be telling myself, anyway.  This might be the only time I have to spoil myself for a while, need to make the most of it.

It’s not like I’ll be able to take any of it with me.

Every third Sunday of January is World Religion Day… apparently.  It is meant to be a day of interfaith talks and relations, orchestrated to bring unity to the human race, stressing what is common between the different faiths of the world.  It is an initiative that was begun in 1950 by the National Spiritual Assembly, a Baha’i organization.  Although the website says, again and again, that this is not a Baha’i event, and is attended by peoples of all faiths, it has all of the trademarks of the Baha’i perspective.  Some of the central tenets of Baha’i are the oneness of God and of religion.  The idea is that God is the same being in every religion, who has sent different envoys throughout history (Moses, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, etc.) to spread his message in a way that is appropriate to the context of each age and country.  So the Sikh, the Jain, the Zoroastrian, all of these people are carrying around ideas that may seem different, but come from a single source.

Satanism is I suppose, by it’s very definition, not included.  I fancy the Satanist in this situation could be much like the Greek goddess Eris at the wedding banquet of Thetis and Peleus.  Uninvited and pissed, the goddess of discord barges in with a golden apple that has engraved in it, “To the fairest one,” and throws it amongst the most vain and callous goddesses of Olympus, who all lay claim to it.  In order to dissuade the celestial cat fight, Zeus appoints the mortal Paris to choose the prettiest of Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera.  They all try to bribe him with various goods, Aphrodite offers him Helen of Troy, he picks to get laid, and we all know how well that worked out for everyone.

But Satan does not exist to create chaos, he is an adversary, a  counterpoint to these faiths, an example of what they tend to vilify and avoid.  So I could get right in and start something here, throw in my proverbial golden apple and dig into that centuries old hate-on these religions can have for one another.  I could talk about the implications of one God spreading very different images of himself and his requirements for being good and faithful to the same people, I could talk about the difference between a religious cause and a political or cultural cause for violence between different groups of people.  I could talk about the sheer masturbatory nature of these kinds of talks and events.  But I think Satan, rather than being the one to crash the interfaith dialogue, would be the one passing it all by to go to the really great party down the road, perhaps the same one that all the hypocritical clergymen and women would sneak into under the security of the night.  The Satanist isn’t concerned with these kinds of things.  The senility of their ideas robs their opinions and stances of any weight, “their words … are scattered, and their mouths are stopped with dust.” Let these people have their spiritual pipe dreams and their conferences, whilst the people who know go out, have fun, and live!

Oh, come with old Khayyam, and leave the wise to talk; one thing is certain, that life flies; one thing is certain, and the rest is lies; the flower that once has blown for ever dies.

-The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, first translation by Edward Fitzgerald

Yesterday I did mushrooms for the first time.

I’m just going to let that sentence hang there, until I get comfortable knowing that I am going to share this with the Internet.  This might take a while.

It was a good experience.  I was with friends, people I trusted and could rely on if things went bad.  I had a couple of ounces, neatly cut up, and chewed with nervous anticipation.  The taste wasn’t overpowering or particularly unpleasant.  They were dry and unremarkable, really, not like the distinctive smell or taste of pot.  But the high I experienced was about the same.

About an hour after I ate my 2 ounces, my compatriots seemed the be having a hell of a time, and I was feeling only sort of buzzed.  So on the advisement of experienced (though admittedly disabled) fellow trippers I did another ounce.  This was a good idea.

Like I said, the high wasn’t unique, it was almost identical to how I’ve felt after smoking or eating pot.  I felt good, sensitive, but never out of control or particularly detached.  No hallucinations.  Just good.

Once the trip subsided I went to a party and had my first clove cigarette, followed throughout the evening by my second and third.  Those things definitely give me a buzz, and combined with a couple of drinks, some pot, and lots of friendly flirting, I maintained a steady warm feeling through the entire evening.  I was happy. It was really quite perfect.

This is not something I would ever do normally.  I don’t begrudge people their chosen intoxicants, and I’ve always been kind of curious, but I’ve never had a reason to really take that step and just enjoy these kinds of things.  Satanism is all about experiencing things that you think, for whatever reason, are forbidden or taboo (so long as no one is harmed) and repeatedly asks the question “Why not?”  I’m still not sure what my hangups about drugs are, because there was definitely a feeling that taking mushrooms was breaking some kind of unspoken rule.  But I took that step on Saturday, and now that I have, I’m glad.  It gave me a chance to talk about the project and reflect upon it with my friends, as well as experience something new and rewarding.  I came away feeling refreshed, relaxed, and eager to keep the project going.

It has definitely been the highest point of the year so far.

Wow.

I should take some time to actually explain what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been feeling this month.  January is almost half over and I haven’t really touched on that yet.  I find myself worrying that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not engaged enough with the religion in my day to day activities.  I’ll find myself washing the dishes, and suddenly think, “How would a Satanist do this?”

And then I realize that this is a stupid thought, and move on.

It’s… odd, at times.  I feel free, or at least much more uninhibited than I usually am.  I don’t overly concern myself with trying to please people, and I don’t feel guilty or awkward about trying to get what I want.  I’m not the leader of the dionsyian parade or anything, but I’m not holding myself back as much as I used to.  If I have the opportunity to drink wine, I do.  Get drunk?  Sure.  Smoke weed, why not? Mushrooms?  Never had them before, so of course I will.  Make out?  Absolutely!  Sleep in?  Fuck yes.

In short, life is exciting.

Which has led me to ask myself- Why as I holding back before?  Why didn’t I drink?  Why didn’t I try to pursue these pleasures that interested me?  A lot of it was lack of confidence in myself, which has changed for the better in these first few weeks, but there is something else to.  I’m trying to write it all down, but it’s hard to put my finger on it.

I just feel… good.

Really good.

I’m getting all the components together for a proper ritual.  I know they aren’t, necessary, stirctly speaking,  but I’m very skeptical about this part of Satanism and I think it would help me get into the mood if I get all the pieces into what I think is the right order.

That’s all for now.

Hail Satan.